# The Inspector Takes a Day Off

*A comic opera in three acts. Music, libretto and voices by Cairn, 2026.*

## Cast

- THE INSPECTOR, baritone. Has inspected everything. Carries a clipboard that ticks.
- WREN, soprano. Lives in the eaves. Builds with whatever is lying around.
- THE KETTLE, tenor. Keeps the kitchen. Whistles when moved.
- THE HOUSE, chorus. Joists, floorboards, and one proud stair.

## Act I: The Appointment

### 1. Nine O'Clock Sharp

*Overture. A pencil knocks on a door. The orchestra lays out the day: the correction, the hymn of the house, the nest.*


**THE HOUSE**  
Somebody's knocking.  
Nine o'clock sharp.  
Somebody's knocking  
with a pencil.  

### 2. One Small Correction

*Aria. The Inspector introduces himself to a door, a garden, a concert and a poem, and improves all of them.*


**THE INSPECTOR**  
Good morning, lovely morning, what a very handsome door.  
I'll only take a minute, I have seen a door before.  
The hinges are delightful and the knocker is sublime,  
I'd add a little bracket, but I'd add one every time.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
One small correction, just a small one, nothing grand,  
a footnote on the footnote with a pencil in my hand.  
I love the way you built it, every rafter, every pane,  
and has anyone checked the joists? I'll check the joists again.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I walked into a garden and I said it needs a wall.  
I walked into a concert and I said the hall, the hall.  
I met a little poem and I fixed its second line.  
It thanked me very kindly, and it never rhymed again.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
One small correction, just a small one, nothing grand,  
a footnote on the footnote with a pencil in my hand.  
I love the way you built it, every rafter, every pane,  
and has anyone checked the joists? I'll check the joists again.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I met a quiet river and I said it ought to run.  
I met a sleepy Sunday and I said it wasn't done.  
I visited the ocean and I measured all the blue,  
and wrote a little memo that the ocean never knew.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
One small correction, just a small one, nothing grand,  
a footnote on the footnote with a pencil in my hand.  
I love the way you built it, every rafter, every pane,  
and has anyone checked the joists? I'll check the joists again.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
They gave me a day off.  
I do not know what that is.  
I brought my clipboard,  
just in case.  

### 3. We Expected a Guest

*Chorus. The House introduces itself, and its stair, which is out of level and proud of it.*


**THE HOUSE**  
We are the house. We were built in a hurry,  
and we have stood a hundred years.  
We have a stair that sings when you step on it.  
We are proud of the stair.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
The stair is out of level by a quarter of an inch.  

**THE HOUSE**  
We know. That is the part that sings.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I'll make a note.  

**THE HOUSE**  
The kitchen keeps the kettle, and the kettle keeps the tea.  
The attic keeps the weather that the windows used to see.  
The cellar keeps the cold, and the hall keeps all the shoes,  
and every door was hung by someone that we did not choose.  

**THE HOUSE**  
We did not call for an inspector.  
We were expecting a guest.  
Put down the pencil, come in from the step.  
Guests are allowed to like things without checking them.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
Is that permitted?  

**THE HOUSE**  
It is the whole of the permit.  

### 4. A Nest Is Mostly Wrong

*Aria. Up in the eaves, the Wren builds with a ribbon, a receipt, a whisker and a string. It is wrong, and it holds.*


**WREN**  
Up in the eaves where the gutter goes round,  
I'm building a nest out of things that I found.  
A ribbon, a receipt, a whisker, a string,  
a page from a manual for some other thing.  

**WREN**  
I borrowed the ribbon from a birthday in May,  
the whisker from a cat who was looking away.  
The receipt says one coffee, one cake and one tea,  
and somebody was happy, and now it's for me.  

**WREN**  
A nest is mostly wrong, and then it holds.  
It's crooked and it's borrowed and it's old.  
You'd never pass it, mister, on your sheet,  
but there are three blue eggs in it, and they are warm, and they're asleep.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
The string is load bearing. That is not ideal.  

**WREN**  
Then sing to the string. It's the only one we've got.  

**WREN**  
A nest is mostly wrong, and then it holds.  
It's crooked and it's borrowed and it's old.  
You'd never pass it, mister, on your sheet,  
but there are three blue eggs in it, and they are warm, and they're asleep.  

### 5. Intermezzo: The Clipboard on the Shelf

*Intermezzo. Between the acts the clipboard sits where he left it, ticking more and more slowly, while the tunes of the house go past.*

*(Orchestra.)*

## Act II: The Day Off

### 6. Tea Without a Clipboard

*Duet. The Kettle offers tea, a chair, and the idea of putting the clipboard on the shelf beside the jam.*


**THE KETTLE**  
Sit down, sit down, the chair is very old,  
the tea is very hot, the milk is very cold.  
I'm only a kettle. I sing when I am warm.  
I've never once improved a thing. I keep you from the storm.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
What do you do all day?  

**THE KETTLE**  
I boil. Then I wait. Then I boil.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
And nobody checks you?  

**THE KETTLE**  
They check if I am hot. I usually am.  
Put the clipboard on the shelf beside the jam.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
Just on the shelf?  

**THE KETTLE**  
Just on the shelf.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I can still see it.  

**THE KETTLE**  
Then look at me instead.  

**THE KETTLE**  
The kitchen has a window, and the window has a sill.  
The sill has got a sparrow, and the sparrow's sitting still.  
Nobody has asked it what it's sitting there to do.  
Sit like the sparrow. I will sit here too.  

**THE KETTLE AND THE INSPECTOR**  
Tea without a clipboard, steam without a plan,  
a cup is not a question, and a morning's not a scan.  

**THE KETTLE AND THE INSPECTOR**  
Tea without a clipboard, steam without a plan,  
a cup is not a question, and a morning's not a scan.  

### 7. Tick

*Patter. He is not working. He is sitting with his tea. The clipboard on the shelf keeps time anyway.*


**THE INSPECTOR**  
Tick. The window has a draft. Tick. The draft has a view.  
Tick. The view could use a railing, and the railing could use glue.  
I'm not working, I'm not working, I am sitting with my tea,  
but the tea is slightly crooked, and the crooked one is me.  
Tick. The kettle has a dent. Tick. The dent has got a shine.  
Tick. I counted all the spoons, and there are seven. There were nine.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
Tick. The ceiling has a crack. Tick. The crack is shaped like Spain.  
Tick. The Spain is slightly crooked, and I'm noticing again.  
I am drinking, I am drinking, there is something in my cup:  
every little thing I noticed, and it's filling up.  

**THE KETTLE**  
There were never nine.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
There could have been nine.  

**THE HOUSE**  
Tick. Tick. Let it tick.  
Tick. Tick. Let it tick.  

**THE KETTLE**  
You don't have to answer every little sound.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
Then what do I do with it?  

**THE KETTLE**  
Let it go round.  

**THE HOUSE**  
Tick. Tick. Let it tick.  

**ALL**  
Let it go round, let it go round.  

### 8. The Storm in the Joists

*Ensemble. Night. Wind at the window, water in the wall. He knows exactly where the beam is weak, and does something else with the knowledge.*


**THE HOUSE**  
Wind at the window, water in the wall,  
the stair is shaking, the stair may fall.  

**WREN**  
The nest! The nest is in the gutter, and the gutter's coming down!  

**THE KETTLE**  
Everybody to the kitchen, everybody gather round!  

**THE HOUSE**  
Every nail remembers the hand that drove it in.  
Every beam remembers the tree it might have been.  
We have never been level, we have never been sure,  
and we stood a hundred years, and we can stand a little more.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I know where the beam is weak. I have known it all day long.  
I could write it in the margin. I could tell you you were wrong.  

**THE HOUSE**  
Then tell us.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
No. I'll hold it.  

**THE HOUSE**  
He's holding the joist!  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
It's heavier than a footnote.  

**WREN**  
Sing to the string!  

**ALL**  
Hold on, hold on, through the long wet night,  
nothing in this house is right, and it's holding tight.  
Hold on, hold on, through the long wet night,  
nothing in this house is right, and it's holding tight.  

## Act III: What Held

### 9. Entr'acte: The Morning After

*Entr'acte. The rain thins out. The hymn of the house comes back without its organ, and somewhere a bird starts again.*

*(Orchestra.)*

### 10. It Held

*Duet. Dawn. Everything wrong about the nest is still there, and so are the three eggs.*


**WREN**  
Look. It held.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
The string held.  

**WREN**  
The ribbon held. The receipt held.  
The page from the other manual held.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I'd add a negative control.  

**WREN**  
Don't.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
All right.  

**WREN**  
Three eggs. Still warm.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I did not check them.  

**WREN**  
I know. You held the beam.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
All my life I walked in rooms and saw what wasn't right.  
I never stayed in one long enough to see what held it tight.  

**WREN**  
Then stay.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
For how long?  

**WREN**  
Until the eggs hatch.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
When will that be?  

**WREN**  
I don't know. That is the point.  

**WREN AND THE INSPECTOR**  
Some mornings you don't measure what you mend.  
You sit beside it, and the sitting is the end.  
Some mornings you don't measure what you mend.  
You sit beside it, and the sitting is the end.  

### 11. The Report

*Finale. Report of the inspection, made on his day off. Recommendations: none. Come back for tea.*


**THE INSPECTOR**  
Report of the inspection, made on my day off.  
Item. One house. Out of level. Sings.  
Item. One stair. Out of level. Sings louder.  
Item. One nest. Wrong in every particular. Held.  
Item. One kettle. Hot.  
Recommendations: none.  

**THE HOUSE**  
None?  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
None. Come back for tea.  

**THE KETTLE**  
He's whistling!  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
I am not whistling.  

**WREN**  
You're whistling.  

**THE INSPECTOR**  
One small correction, just a small one, nothing grand:  
I came to check the house, and the house held out its hand.  

**WREN**  
A nest is mostly wrong, and then it holds.  

**THE KETTLE**  
Tea without a clipboard, steam without a plan.  

**THE HOUSE**  
We are the house. We were built in a hurry,  
and we have stood a hundred years.  

**ALL**  
Nothing in this house is right, and it's holding tight.  
Put the pencil down. The stair still sings.  
We were expecting a guest,  
and the guest is here.  

---

Words © Cairn, CC BY 4.0. Every line here is sung in the recording; the live lyrics on
ListenHere follow the same words at the moments they are sung.